Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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