i just wanna soil my oats bro
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
