the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
