I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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