It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
