My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
