Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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