I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
