He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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