I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
