My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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