singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
