the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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