just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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