I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
