24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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