I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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