watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
