Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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