worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
