Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
