Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
