Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize