Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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