I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
