Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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