Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize