How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
this is an emotional support booty call
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
