Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
