i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
