so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
