New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
