Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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