fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
