She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
