hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
