hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
