I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
