so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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