We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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