Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
