I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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