You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
