Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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