my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
