We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
