I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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