Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
