Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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