Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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