she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
