Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
