I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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