I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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