gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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