I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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