I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
