Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
well you can't waste a boner
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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