you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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