he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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